


8.08 Covenant

by Nialla



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Other, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-25
Updated: 2006-03-25
Packaged: 2019-02-02 17:04:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12730701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nialla/pseuds/Nialla
Summary: A parody of Covenant, with audience participation.





	8.08 Covenant

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the archivists: this story was originally archived at [The Alpha Gate](https://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Alpha_Gate), a Stargate SG-1 archive, which began migration to the AO3 in 2017 when its hosting software, eFiction, was no longer receiving support. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are this creator and it hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Alpha Gate collection profile](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/thealphagate).

  
Author's notes: Thanks to Christi for beta reading. Dedicated to all the posters who've discussed this ep on Alpha Gate and Our Stargate, so don't be surprised if a few of the observations seem *very* familiar.  
 **Disclaimer:** Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. I had to take a No-Doze to watch this episode again. No copyright infringement whatsoever is intended. The story is for entertainment purposes only.  


* * *

INT. OFFICE

VOGLER: Once you walk through that door, there's no turning back.

COLSON: Oh, I understand, Brian. And I'm not having any doubts.

AUDIENCE: Dammit, is SG-1 not on again? What the hell is this?

SLASHERS: Apparently a show about a guy finally getting the nerve to step out of the closet.

VOGLER: Alec, it is not just your credibility at stake here.

COLSON: You're right, there. It's the leaders of the democratic free world should be worried.

SLASHERS: Taking on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," eh?

[VOGLER TELLS HIM TO THINK ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK FOR THE COMPANY, AND, OF COURSE, THE SHAREHOLDERS. COLSON SAYS THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO KNOW THE TRUTH TOO, AND THAT THEY'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.]

AUDIENCE: Is he sure about that? Shareholders are infamous for putting profit over truth.

SHAREHOLDERS: The truth is fine, just as long as we're making money.

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE

[REPORTERS AND CAMERAMEN ARE GATHERED. COLSON AND VOGLER STEP UP TO THE PODIUM.]

COLSON: Thank you all for coming. As you all know, about five months ago our planet suffered a horrible tragedy. Over two thousand American servicemen and women were killed when a meteor shower disrupted global communications and hit a United States Naval Carrier Group on maneuvers in the Pacific Ocean. I'm here today to challenge the facts of that incident as they've been conveyed to the general public.

AUDIENCE: Isn't that what happened during the event of "The Lost City"? What a coincidence they'd have something on this show, whatever it is. Maybe Sci Fi is doing a crossover with a new show.

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[DANIEL IS WATCHING THE PRESS CONFERENCE ON TELEVISION.]

AUDIENCE: Oh geeze, this *is* Stargate. Or at least they're still using that title.

DANIEL FANS: Either that, or Michael Shanks is guest starring in something else.

COLSON (ON TV): On the day in question, none of our satellites detected a meteor shower.

AUDIENCE: And check out the not too subtle use of the Sci Fi Channel logo for Colson Industries.

[SAM ENTERS AND ASKS WHAT'S GOING ON.]

DANIEL: Shh, sh, sh.

SNIT: Our sentiments exactly.

[SAM BEGINS WATCHING THE TELEVISION.]

COLSON (ON TV): Now, I don't know how many governments around the world are in on this, but I do know we are being lied to and the truth is being covered up.

SAM: Uh-oh.

SNIT: Yeah, because if the SGC is exposed to increased regulation or oversight, there's no telling what rocks they may turn over, eh Sammiekins?

COLSON: Ladies and gentlemen. There is life beyond our world. There are aliens out there and they have a technology far beyond ours and they have been intervening in our existence for quite some time.

[SAM AND DANIEL SHARE AN "OH SHIT" LOOK.]

COLSON: I have proof, and I am giving the governments of all the nations that are aware of this, twenty-four hours to reveal the truth... or I'm going to do it for them. Thank you.

[COLSON LEAVES THE PODIUM.]

AUDIENCE: Oh, yeah. A phalanx of reporters would totally let a guy leave the room after making statements like that. Colson is a "right to know" poser; the press is the real thing!

DANIEL: Ah. There you go.

AUDIENCE: Probably more like here *we* go. Looks like the gate is going to be a lonely girl again this week.

SGC STARGATE: [sob] Was it something I said? Something I did?

ATLANTIS GATE: I told you to get the slot machine upgrade, but did you listen? Nooooooo... You've let your looks go straight to hell, and look where it's gotten you.

SGC STARGATE: Bitch.

END TEASER

OPENING CREDITS

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[SAM, TEAL'C AND DANIEL ARE WATCHING A NEWS REPORT BY JULIA DONOVAN ABOUT COLSON. HANDSOME. BILLIONAIRE. BLAH, BLAH, WOOF, WOOF. JACK ENTERS THE ROOM AND TELLS THEM TO SHUT OFF THE TV.]

AUDIENCE: Damn straight, they should be working.

JACK: We know who he is. (to Carter) Some of us better than others.

S/J SHIPPERS: He's *jealous*.

SNIT: No, he's more likely interested in whatever Sam should have put in a report that would have helped them to anticipate this. You know, silly work stuff.

SAM: We worked together briefly, sir. Colson Aviation developed the multi engine control systems for the F-302s. Colson didn't know what they were for, of course, but he is a brilliant engineer.

SNIT: Oh man, is this going to be Yet Another Man Who Falls in Lurve with Sammikins?

NOROMOS: We hope not, but judging by past history, we'll be back after we buy some snacks.

AUDIENCE: Chill, guys. The man's still breathing. How can they possibly have done more than just work together?

SAM/DANIEL FRIENDSHIPPERS: Um...

JACK: He's also a little nuts, isn't he?

NOT FANS OF DUMB JACK: Pot. Kettle. Black.

SAM: You've test flown experimental aircraft.

DANIEL: We all go through the gate.

JACK: This isn't about us.

TEAM FANS: No, this show isn't about "us" anymore, it's more about a featured star and the guest star(s) of the week.

WRITERS: It's been about them for eight years! We try to introduce fresh, cool characters and what thanks do we get?

AUDIENCE: We'll thank you when you actually manage to accomplish it.

SAM: The point is, sir, he's not some loony cult leader. People are taking him seriously.

JACK: So, what do we think he knows?

SLASHERS: We doubt he's going to let out *your* little secret.

[JACK IS GOING THROUGH A FILE ON COLSON, WHILE SAM SAYS HE OWNS SEVERAL SATELLITES. IT'S POSSIBLE THEY PICKED UP ANUBIS' FLEET IN ORBIT, OR THE BATTLE OVER ANTARCTICA.]

DANIEL: What I don't understand is how it could have come this far.

JACK: He's gotten the National Security speech from the Pentagon, several times. Apparently the President has called him personally.

TEAL'C: Why not merely tell him the truth?

SAM: His personality was profiled and he was deemed a security risk.

S/J SHIPPERS: Yeah, this one's even worse that Stalkerboy.

PETE FANS: Get. Over. It.

JACK: For obvious reasons.

AUDIENCE: And if they're obvious to Jack, telling this guy the truth is the last thing we'd want to do, right?

[DANIEL SAYS COLSON'S FATHER WAS A REPORTER JAILED DURING THE MCCARTHY ERA, SO HE'S A STRONG BELIEVER IN THE RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE TO KNOW WHAT THE GOVERNMENT'S UP TO. CARTER SAYS THAT LEAKING CLASSIFIED INFO IS TREASON, SO JACK SAYS THEY HAVE TO TRY TO CONVINCE HIM NOT TO GO PUBLIC.]

DANIEL: Without actually telling him anything?

JACK: Right!

AUDIENCE: Good luck with that.

INT. COLSON'S OFFICE

[VOGLER IS HAVING A PANIC ATTACK ABOUT WHAT THE PRESS CONFERENCE HAS DONE TO THE COMPANY. THEY'VE JUST PISSED OFF THEIR BIGGEST CLIENT, AMONG OTHER THINGS.]

COLSON: What does that matter, Brian? Given what we know?

AUDIENCE: Shareholders and other interested parties a little less interested in the truth than we first anticipated, Mr. Colson?

VOGLER: I don't know, I guess I'm just trying to hold on to some shred of reality.

AUDIENCE: We say again, good luck with that.

[COLSON BABBLES ON ABOUT EVERYONE HAVING TO DEAL WITH A WHOLE NEW REALITY, WHILE THE AUDIENCE WONDERS IF THEY HAVEN'T ALREADY SEEN THIS EPISODE OF THE X-FILES. A FEMALE STAFF ANNOUNCES NEW ARRIVALS, SAM AND DANIEL. INTRODUCTIONS ARE MADE.]

COLSON: Radiant as ever.

SNIT: Do we have any airsick bags handy? We think we're going to need 'em before this is over.

NOROMOS: We're feeling rather nauseous ourselves.

AUDIENCE: Guys? Colson? Still breathing? Prima facie evidence he's not interested in Sam.

DANIEL FANS: Who cares? Daniel. In a. Suit. [slurp]

[COLSON SAYS HE'S A BIG FAN OF DANIEL'S.]

DANIEL: Really?

DANIEL FANS: He's the president of your fan club. Did you not get the memo?

COLSON: Yes, I've been following you since your early career. Pyramids as landing pads for alien ships? Fascinating.

DANIEL: Uh, yeah, that was a long time ago.

DANIEL FANS: That's. Not. What. He. Said. He merely said the pyramids were much older than previously thought, and that Egyptian culture may have been a legacy of a previously unknown culture. That's. It. No aliens mentioned, at least not by Daniel.

WRITERS: Yeah, well, how were we supposed to know that?

DANIEL FANS: OK, how many DVDs of "Stargate" do we need to mail, and does anyone know the postage rate to Canada?

TEAM FANS: All the ones we sent got returned unopened, but it's worth a try.

SLASHERS: All of ours were returned too.

BDSMERS: *We* got a rather interesting note from Customs.

COLSON: Yeah, what have you been up to since? It's like you just dropped off the map.

AUDIENCE: Oh, something like that.

[THEY SIT DOWN, AND COLSON TURNS ON THE TV.]

COLSON: That meteor shower was a cover story, and a surprisingly weak one at that. Although under the circumstances, I'm not so sure I'd have come up with a better one.

SAM: What makes you say that?

FANFIC WRITERS: Maybe because our first cousin's two-year old came up with a better story over potato salad last week? Remind us again why the writers get paid for this and we don't?

WRITERS: We can afford better lawyers.

LAWYERS: Yeah, baybee. Here's the bill.

[COLSON SHOWS A RECORDING OF ANUBIS' FLEET, THE SPACE BATTLE, YADDA YADDA. HE POINTS TO AN IMAGE OF THE PROMETHEUS.]

COLSON: Oh! I'm guessing that's one of ours?

AUDIENCE: The Butt Ugliest Ship in the Known Galaxy? Yes, that's ours.

[VOGLER SAYS THEY LOST CONTACT WITH THEIR SATELLITES FOR OVER SIX HOURS ON THE DAY IN QUESTION, BUT WHEN THEY WERE BACK ONLINE, THESE IMAGES WERE IN THE BUFFERS. SAM SAYS THE IMAGES CAN BE FAKED.]

COLSON: The Pentagon wants me to know that people like you are going to be trying to make me look like a fraud.

SAM: People like me?

COLSON: Very smart people. Oh, we have more than this.

SNIT: So smart in book knowledge, so stupid in everything else.

[COLSON SAYS THEY HAVE MORE, AND THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT THAT EVERYONE HAS A RIGHT TO KNOW.]

SAM: Anything we can say to stop you?

VOGLER: Believe me, I've tried.

EXT. COLSON INDUSTRIES BUILDING

[SAM AND DANIEL ARE LEAVING THE BUILDING WHEN HER CELL PHONE RINGS. IT'S THE REPORTER, JULIA DONOVAN. HER STATION'S CAMERA TRUCK JUST CAUGHT SAM AND A "NICE LOOKING YOUNG MAN" GOING INTO COLSON INDUSTRIES HEAD OFFICE.]

DANIEL FANS: Nice looking? Acceptable, since we figure they can't use the necessary descriptors, even on cable TV.

[DONOVAN WANTS TO KNOW IF SAM HAS AN OFFICIAL COMMENT. SAM JUST SAYS SHE THINKS THE COVERAGE HAS BEEN ONE-SIDED.]

NOROMOS: Much like your crush on your boss.

DONOVAN: Come on, Sam. Colson's going to out the whole operation. You don't really think Washington can contain this?

SAM: We'll see. Look, I don't have to remind you about the non-disclosure agreement you signed, do I?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVEN'T SEEN SEASON SIX: Um, you'll need to remind us.

CARTER (to Daniel): It's the reporter from the Prometheus incident.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVEN'T SEEN SEASON SIX: Still not helping.

DONOVAN: We had an agreement. You said that if something big was going to break you would call me first.

[SAM SAYS SHE WILL AND HANGS UP. DANIEL CHECKS HIS CELL PHONE.]

DANIEL: I've got thirteen messages from Emmett Bregman.

SLASHERS: Daniel/Emmett slash? No, we don't think we're *that* desperate yet.

JANET FANS: [sob] Don't remind us of *that* episode!

INT. COLSON INDUSTRIES OFFICES

[COLSON'S STAFF IS STILL TRYING TO CONVINCE HIM TO BACK DOWN, BUT HE'S NOT LISTENING.]

COLSON: It is too late, Brian. Too late for the world to know there was a large-scale alien attack against our planet, which was barely thwarted. Too late for the general public to realize they've been lied to, by two different elected administrations, about the very nature of our existence.

AUDIENCE: Bored now. Wake us up when X-Files goes off and Stargate is back on.

[VOGLER WORRIES THAT THE GOVERNMENT WILL SHUT HIM UP IF THEY REALLY WANT TO, NO MATTER IF HE'S RIGHT AND TELLING THE TRUTH.

COLSON: Oh, come on, Brian, what are they gonna do, hmm? Have me killed?

AUDIENCE: Works for us. Might at least be a little bit entertaining.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[DANIEL, SAM, JACK AND TEAL'C ARE WATCHING DONOVAN'S REPORT ON COLSON.]

SAM: Well, he's got to have something more significant than pictures.

AUDIENCE: It wouldn't be the first time a government was brought down by pictures. Except those were usually dirty pictures.

[DANIEL SAYS COLSON'S COMPANY HAS DEALT WITH A LOT OF TECHNOLOGY PROCURED OFFWORLD.]

AUDIENCE: Our foreshadowing sense is tingling really strong.

[THE NEWS REPORT GOES TO ANOTHER LIVE CONFERENCE WITH COLSON, TWENTY-FOUR HOURS TO THE MINUTE.]

INT. PRESS CONFERENCE

[COLSON MAKES A LONG-WINDED SPEECH ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT NOT REVEALING THE TRUTH, SO HE'S GOING TO DO IT FOR THEM. HE MAKES A GESTURE, AND AN ASGARD WALKS INTO THE CONFERENCE.]

X-FILES FANS: Really, guys. Mulder's getting robbed of his big moment. Is this kind?

SLASHERS: Maybe Mulder's busy down in the basement.

SHIPPERS: Well, duh, but Scully's house doesn't have a basement?

NOROMOS: Can't. Escape. Anywhere. ACK!

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

JACK: Well, I'd call that something.

JACK/THOR SHIPPERS, SLASHERS, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY ARE: Thor! You slut!

NOROMOS: [whimper]

[DONOVAN LATER REPORTS THAT COLSON PROMISES THERE IS MORE TO COME.]

AUDIENCE: Snnnzzzzzz.... huh? What? More to come? Joy.

INT. DANIEL'S LAB

[SAM SAYS THEY'VE CONTACTED THOR, AND HE SAYS THERE'S NO ASGARD ON EARTH. DANIEL POINTS OUT LOKI WAS ON EARTH WITHOUT THE HIGH COUNCIL KNOWING ABOUT IT, SO IT'S STILL A POSSIBILITY. SAM WONDERS IF IT'S REALLY AN ASGARD THEY SAW WITH COLSON. THE IMAGE OF LITTLE GREY ALIENS IS COMMON, SO MAYBE COLSON WAS MAKING IT ALL UP, SINCE NO ASGARD WOULD ALLOW HIMSELF TO BE USED THIS WAY.]

JACK/THOR SHIPPERS, SLASHERS, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY ARE: Well, Thor might. Anything for Jack.

X-FILES FANS: They were looking for Mulder. They know how he is, so they sent a sex toy.

INT. COLSON INDUSTRIES OFFICES

[THE NETWORKS ALL WANT INTERVIEWS, BUT COLSON LAMENTS THEIR "FRIEND" CAN'T TALK.]

FEMALE STAFFER: Well, we know he's capable. The MRI show larynx not too different from ours. But he doesn't seem to have anything to say.

AUDIENCE: Perhaps he just doesn't like you?

VOGLER: They also want full access for independent medical and scientific personnel to verify that it's really what we say it is.

AUDIENCE: You mean they want to slice him up into slivers small enough for microscope slides and hold a lottery.

FEMALE STAFFER: How are we supposed to convince the world of alien intelligence when this guy doesn't seem to have any?

THOR FANS: You talking trash about the intelligence of the Asgard?

[VOGLER SAYS IT'S AN AMAZING GENETIC EXPERIMENT, BUT THEY DON'T KNOW FOR CERTAIN IT'S ALIEN. ALL THEY KNOW IS THAT THE DNA CAME FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE. COLSON BLOWS OFF HIS STAFF'S CONCERNS, SAYING ALL THEY HAVE TO DO IS RAISE QUESTIONS, THEN THE BURDEN OF PROOF SHIFTS TO WASHINGTON.]

AUDIENCE: The shareholders seem to like it better when you raise cash, dude. Questions are for quiz shows. We think maybe they'd like the "slice and dice lottery" idea better.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[DANIEL REPORTS TO THE REST OF THE TEAM... OH, WAIT, WE DON'T HAVE THAT ANYMORE... HE REPORTS TO JACK, SAM AND TEAL'C THAT COLSON'S BIOTECH COMPANY WAS GIVEN A COPY OF ASGARD DNA FOR SEQUENCING. THEY WEREN'T TOLD WHAT IT WAS, BUT IT WAS AN ATTEMPT TO HELP WITH THE ASGARD'S CLONING PROBLEMS. ASGARD DNA WILL GROW A CLONE TO MATURITY IN THREE MONTHS, BUT IT'S JUST AN EMPTY SHELL UNTIL AN EXISTING CONSCIOUSNESS IS TRANSFERRED INTO IT.]

JACK: Well, the Pentagon has lost all patience.

AUDIENCE: They had some to begin with?

[JACK SAYS THEY'VE CALLED IN A MARKER, AND SMILES WHILE THE OTHERS THINK HE'S FINALLY GONE 'ROUND THE BEND. HE CHECKS HIS WATCH.]

JACK: Yep, calling in a marker.

[THOR BEAMS INTO THE ROOM.]

THOR FANS: Thor!

AUDIENCE: Maybe y'all should yell out his name every time he arrives, sort of like "Norm!" on "Cheers."

THOR FANS: Kewl!

INT. COLSON'S OFFICE

[THE FEMALE STAFFER TELLS COLSON THE ALIEN IS GONE, ALONG WITH THE COMPUTERS AND EVERYTHING ELSE. ONE MINUTE IT WAS THERE, THEN THERE WAS A BRIGHT FLASH OF LIGHT, THEN POOF. GONE. COLSON ORDERS A DECOY CAR SENT OUT, AND FOR HIS PLANE TO BE READIED FOR A TRIP TO WASHINGTON.]

AUDIENCE: When you're rich enough for a car, a decoy car, a private plane and several satellites, it no longer matters what the shareholders think, right?

INT. TV STUDIO

[DONOVAN IS PREPARING TO INTERVIEW CARTER, WHO'S IN HER DRESS BLUES.]

DONOVAN: You ready?

SAM: Not really.

DONOVAN: Just try not to think about the camera. Focus on me.

FEMSLASHERS: Bet you said that last night too.

NOROMOS: [rolls eyes]

FEMSLASHERS: Give us a break. It's not like we get to come out to play very often around here.

[SAM'S HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT DISCREDITING COLSON, BUT SHE'S BEEN ORDERED TO DO IT.]

DONOVAN: Well, if you want to go against those orders, feel free. I'll go with it. 

SNIT: It's not she hasn't bent or broken other rules.

S/J SHIPPERS: Just not certain ones, dammit.

[THE INTERVIEW BEGINS. SAM PRACTICALLY DOES A SONG AND DANCE ROUTINE SAYING THAT COLSON COULD HAVE USED HOLLYWOOD SPECIAL EFFECTS, YADDA YADDA. SHE SHOWS A HOLOGRAM OF ANOTHER ALIEN, AKA THOR.]

DONOVAN: Wow, that looks just like the alien Alec Colson introduced to us.

AUDIENCE: It's a cousin from his mother's side of the family. Several thousand times removed.

THOR: Greetings, people of Earth.

THOR FANS: Oh, how low have you gone?

AUDIENCE: Are you kidding? That little gray guy loves to mess with humans. He's probably tickled... um... grayer to expand beyond the SGC.

SAM: It's just a projection. You'll probably be seeing technology like this in theme park rides in a few years.

WRITERS: Look for the hidden Asgard in the MGM Stargate ride!

NOROMOS: Would that be the Tunnel of Twoo Wuv?

[COLSON'S BEEN WATCHING THE INTERVIEW IN HIS CAR. HE SAYS SAM HASN'T ACTUALLY LIED, BUT STILL HAS MANAGED TO DISCREDIT HIM. MEANWHILE, SOMEONE GIVES DONOVAN A MESSAGE. COLSON'S PLANE HAD TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY LANDING, BUT THEY DID MAKE IT IN ONE PIECE. DONOVAN RUSHES TO GET THE STORY ON AIR, AND SAM'S PHONE RINGS.]

AUDIENCE: Why didn't she have it off or at least silent? What if it had gone off during the interview?

SNIT: Yeah, because then the whole viewing world would know her for the national treasure she is.

[IT'S COLSON ON THE PHONE, SAYING IT WAS CLOSE, AND THE GROUND CREW FOUND EVIDENCE OF TAMPERING. HE ASKS IF SHE HAS ANY IDEAS ON WHO DID IT.]

SAM: You think I know? Why would I go on TV to publicly discredit you if I knew you were about to be assassinated?

COLSON: To make sure it didn't look like Washington had anything to do with it. A fine job you did too, by the way.

SAM: I'm sorry, I was following orders.

COLSON: Yeah, I know. Don't worry, Sam. I don't believe for a second you were in on it. If it was our government, I'm sure you were just a pawn.

SNIT: Yes, no one can stay angry with Our National Treasure.

[COLSON SAYS HE WON'T BE STOPPED, THE WORLD WILL LEARN THE TRUTH.]

X-FILES FANS: The Truth is Out There.

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[JACK IS AT HIS DESK. THOR AND DANIEL ARE SITTING IN FRONT OF THE DESK. DANIEL'S EITHER TAKING NOTES OR WORKING ON A CROSSWORD PUZZLE.]

JACK: Um, how about a hyperdrive for the Prometheus?

THOR: That is something I must discuss with the High Council.

JACK/THOR SHIPPERS OR SLASHERS, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY ARE: Weren't quite up to snuff at the nooner, eh, Jack?

JACK: Thor, come on! You said you wanted to get something nice for the President.

JACK/THOR SHIPPERS OR SLASHERS, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY ARE: Honestly, Jack. If you have to beg for presents from your, boy-, um, girl-, um, "significant other," you're not doing something right.

[SAM ENTERS, ASKING IF JACK'S HEARD ANYTHING ABOUT WHO MIGHT HAVE TRIED TO KILL COLSON. HE SAYS IT WASN'T "US." DANIEL SAYS THEY THINK COLSON MAY HAVE FRAGMENTS OF A GOA'ULD SHIP FROM THE ANTARCTIC BATTLE, SINCE ONE OF HIS COMPANIES WAS INVOLVED IN THE SALVAGE AND CLEAN UP.]

SAM: Are we just going to keep trying to discredit the man? I mean, aren't we the ones a little delusional to think that we could cover up an attack of this scale?

FANFIC WRITERS: We could have helped you with that, but all of our letters came back unopened. 

JACK: What's the alternative?

SAM: How about tell the truth?

[ALL THREE LOOK AT HER LIKE SHE'S STARK, RAVING MAD. SHE SAYS SINCE HE'S DETERMINED TO GO PUBLIC, WHY DON'T THEY SHOW HIM WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO KEEP IT A SECRET?]

JACK: Well, Thor and I are meeting with the President in five minutes. I'll bring it up.

SAM: Five minutes?

JACK: Oh yeah.

[JACK AND THOR ARE BEAMED AWAY.]

JACK/THOR SHIPPERS, SLASHERS, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY ARE: Any naughty little detours along the way?

NOROMOS: Bleach. There's. Not. Enough. Bleach.

INT. COLSON'S OFFICE

[COLSON IS READY TO SHOW THE PICTURES AND THE PIECES OF THE ALIEN SHIP.]

VOGLER: Alec! They tried to kill us!

COLSON: You think that didn't work in our favor?

VOGLER: Dying doesn't work in our favor!

[COLSON IS BEAMED OUT OF HIS OFFICE, LEAVING VOGLER AND THE FEMALE STAFFER GAPING.]

TRIOSMUTTERS: Thor! We are strangely delighted by this development. Very strangely.

NOROMOS: More bleach. And maybe a stainless steel grill brush.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[COLSON MATERIALIZES, ALONG WITH THOR.]

COLSON: Okay. What just happened?

AUDIENCE: Dude, haven't you ever watched Star Trek?

STAR TREK FANS: If the mpreg fanfic writers have anything to say about it, you'll be having Thor's alien love child soon.

[SAM AND DANIEL EXPLAIN WHERE HE IS AND INTRODUCE HIM TO THOR, BEFORE THOR LEAVES, SAYING JACK WILL SEE THEM ALL TOMORROW.]

JACK/THOR SHIPPERS, SLASHERS, WHATEVER THE HELL THEY ARE: They're just handing us this stuff on a platter.

[SAM SHOWS HIM THE STARGATE THROUGH THE WINDOW, THEN LATER HE CALLS VOGLER TO LET HIM KNOW HE'S OK.]

SLASHERS: Must check in with the boyfriend. We understand.

INT. GATE ROOM

[THE GATE IS DIALING OUT TO THE ALPHA SITE, FOR SAM TO GIVE COLSON THE NICKEL TOUR.]

COLSON: [is gobsmacked]

AUDIENCE: [ditto] Um, profiled as a high security risk? Were we hallucinating that earlier?

PRODIGY FAN WAY IN THE BACK, WHO IS PROBABLY A WRITER IN DISGUISE: Hey, it worked on Hailey.

AUDIENCE: [glare]

INT. ALPHA SITE GATE ROOM

[SAM AND COLSON ARRIVE AND ARE GREETED BY A CAPTAIN.]

SAM: Alec Colson. Captain Sheffield.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE SEEN "THE NANNY": Sheffield? [groan]

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO HAVEN'T SEEN "THE NANNY": Huh?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WHO'VE SEEN "THE NANNY": [nasally] Some things, you're better off not knowing.

[SAM EXPLAINS TO COLSON THAT THE PREVIOUS ALPHA SITE WAS DESTROYED IN AN ATTACK, SO THIS ONE IS BUILT INSIDE A MOUNTAIN. COLSON KVETCHES HE WAS EXPECTING SOMETHING MORE OTHERWORLDLY, SO SAM SHOWS HIM AN F-302 IN A HANGAR.]

COLSON: Now that... that's more like it.

SG-1 SET DECORATORS: Best we could do on this year's budget.

ATLANTIS SET DECORATORS: [preen] Money is no object in the Pegasus Galaxy.

SG-1 SET DECORATORS: Bitches. Ever last one of you.

[COLSON FIGURES OUT THIS IS THE PROJECT HIS COMPANY WAS WORKING ON. SAM OFFERS TO TAKE HIM ON A RIDE.]

SNIT: [bites tongues]

S/J SHIPPERS: She would never. Jack would kill him.

J/D SLASHERS: He'd be busy with Daniel.

TRIO-SMUTTERS: Or they'd both be down in the basement with Mulder.

INT. COLSON'S OFFICE

[VOGLER IS MAKING A BACKUP OF ALL THE DATA THEY STILL HAVE, AS COLSON WANTS IT SECURED OFF PREMISES. HE TELLS THE FEMALE STAFFER TO WORK ON WHATEVER'S LEFT OF THE CLONE RESEARCH. AFTER SHE LEAVES, VOGLER'S MOBILE PHONE RINGS. HE SAYS HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE COLSON IS, AND HAS A MEETING WITH THE SEC THIS AFTERNOON AND THAT "IT'LL WORK."]

SLASHERS: Oh, Vogler. It's not nice to step out on your boyfriend. We're so disappointed.

INT. F-302

[SAM TAKES COLSON OUT FOR A JOY RIDE. HE SAYS IT MUST BE HARD TO KEEP IT SECRET, BUT SHE SAYS SHE KNOWS THE POTENTIAL CHAOS IT COULD CAUSE, AND THAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD HAVE A HARD TIME LIVING WITH THE CONSTANT THREAT OF IMPENDING DOOM.]

COLSON: Oh, right, the old if you had cancer argument. Would you want to know you were going to die, or would you rather live out your final days in blissful ignorance?

AUDIENCE: Forgive us for splitting the hair between a solid diagnosis of terminal disease and the possibility of death by alien if the SGC doesn't have its shit together some morning. Even cancer isn't a foregone a conclusion these days.

SAM: Yeah, I guess I don't really buy it either.

AUDIENCE: Doesn't matter if you personally buy it or not, you're under *orders* to buy it.

COLSON: Well, I'd rather know, and try to cure it. If I couldn't do that, then I'd plan to make my final days as meaningful as possible.

AUDIENCE: Because, obviously, the SGC not having its shit together some morning is a foregone conclusion. Prat!

DANIEL FANS: Not for nothing, but isn't there someone on the team who spends a lot of time thinking about "meaning of life stuff?" Should he maybe be talking to this guy?

WRITERS: What is this team you speak of? And meaning of life stuff? Don't you mean "blowing shit up" instead?

[SAM LET HIM TAKE A TURN PILOTING. HE EVENTUALLY PUTS IT INTO A STEEP DIVE, WHICH SETS OFF ALARMS. SAM RETAKES CONTROL AND PULLS IT OUT AND HEADS BACK TO THE HANGER.]

INT. ALPHA SITE HANGAR

[SAM GRIPES AT COLSON'S RECKLESSNESS, BUT HE ARGUES THAT HE KNEW THE PLANE COULD HANDLE IT. SAM SAYS SHE JUST TOOK HIM UP FOR A JOY RIDE, A LITTLE FUN.]

COLSON: This isn't a game, Sam! What you guys are doing up here? This is life and death, for all of us.

SAM: We know that.

COLSON: It wasn't much fun feeling out of control like that, was it?

SAM: You don't have to make your point with my life.

SNIT: We're cool with it.

AUDIENCE: Couldn't you have given him a dose of the real world "out there" by showing him what the Goa'uld have done? Showing him a bright and shiny airplane accomplishes *what* exactly?

WRITERS: [making sound effects of planes flying] Um, what? Did you have a question? Or a point or something?

AUDIENCE: [eyes narrowed] We can't believe we're saying this, but maybe a Goa'uld blowing something up would have convinced him.

WRITERS: We really, really wanted to, but, you know, the budget thing.

AUDIENCE: [death glare]

[COLSON SAYS THEY WERE NEVER GOING TO CRASH, UNLIKE HIS PERSONAL PLANE. SAM PROTESTS THEIR INNOCENCE, BUT COLSON SAYS *SOMEONE* TRIED TO KILL HIM, BUT IT'S NOT GOING TO STOP HIM FROM TELLING THE WORLD.]

AUDIENCE: And you're just PILING up the reasons everyone interested in keeping this secret should leave you alive, huh?

INT. ALPHA SITE GATE ROOM

[COLSON IS STUDYING THE STARGATE WHEN SAM JOINS HIM ON THE PLATFORM. SHE TELLS HIM ABOUT A GROUP OF PRIVATE BUSINESSMEN WHO HAVE WORKED WITH ROGUE ELEMENTS OF THE NID. INSTEAD OF TRYING TO GO PUBLIC, THEY'RE TRYING TO KEEP ALL THE ALIEN TECH FOR THEIR OWN PURPOSES.]

COLSON: Which are?

SAM: You'd have to ask them. Personal profit. Maybe they think they can do a better job of defending the planet than we can.

COLSON: Why are you telling me all this?

AUDIENCE: Because we've still got about fifteen minutes to kill? And if she gives you more secrets to divulge, you'll suddenly be overcome with the desire to keep them all?

SAM: Because I'm guessing that's who tried to kill you. They'll never get control of the gate if the world finds out.

[COLSON GETS ON A SMALL SOAPBOX ABOUT HE ALWAYS WANTED TO FLY, THEN HIS WIFE AND DAUGHTER WERE KILLED, SO THEN HE FOCUSED ON MAKING IT AS SAFE AS POSSIBLE. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, LIKE ANYONE REALLY CARES.]

COLSON: Intergalactic travel. Advanced alien civilizations, humans living on other worlds? I do realize that there may be bad guys out there too.

SAM: You have no idea how bad.

AUDIENCE: And you have no idea how bad some of their wardrobes are, either.

CAMULUS FANS: The kilt rules, baybee!

[COLSON'S STILL BLATHERING ON ABOUT BELIEVING IN HUMANITY, EVEN THOUGH SAM TELLS HIM KNOWING ABOUT THE STARGATE COULD FRACTURE THE WORLD EVEN MORE THAN IT ALREADY IS. SHE TELLS HIM IT'S ALREADY HAPPENED ON ONE WORLD THEY'VE VISITED.]

AUDIENCE: Continuity! Whee!

COLSON: That would be the ultimate irony, wouldn't it? You secretly save the world from destruction at the hands of alien invaders only for us to destroy ourselves out of fear, after the fact.

AUDIENCE: Yes! That, exactly!

SAM: Change your mind?

COLSON: Not really. I don't think it would happen. And if a truth of this magnitude, about the very nature of human existence, could lead us to destroy ourselves? Then I'd say we would deserve it. Wouldn't you?

AUDIENCE: So who died and left you in charge of being the one to make that decision for the entire freaking planet? And just how can you walk, what with the stick up your butt and dragging around the soapbox?

INT. BRIEFING ROOM

[DANIEL IS WATCHING TV, WHERE DONOVAN IS REPORTING THAT INVESTIGATORS NOW THINK COLSON CREATED THE ALIEN HOAX TO DIVERT ATTENTION FROM FINANCIAL PROBLEMS. SAM AND COLSON ENTERS, AND DANIEL TURNS OFF THE TV.]

COLSON: Corporate financial problems? What's she talking about?

DANIEL: The story broke about an hour ago. The President's halted trading on the markets. Your company's stock had fallen eighty percent, the Dow was down over 500 points on the whole.

[DANIEL SAYS THE SEC IS INVESTIGATING THE COMPANY FOR SECURITIES FRAUD, AND THAT THERE WERE IRREGULARITIES IN THE LAST TWO FINANCIAL STATEMENTS.]

COLSON: Well, it's not true! Come on! The timing of this... I'm being set up.

AUDIENCE: Um. Duh? Sometimes that which does not kill you makes you broke.

INT. COLSON'S OFFICE

[VOGLER IS SITTING ON A SOFA, DRINKING, WHEN COLSON AND SAM ENTER.]

VOGLER: What's she doing here?

COLSON: She wants to help, Brian.

VOGLER: Oh, good. Why? Does she have a time machine so that we can go back and undo everything?

SPOILER WHORES: Just wait until the end of the season. Looks like we can get you set up.

NON-SPOILER WHORES: [whistling, with fingers firmly in ears]

[VOGLER SAYS COLSON WOULDN'T LISTEN, WOULDN'T STOP. HE WAS ALWAYS GOING OFF ON HIS ADVENTURES, AND VOGLER HAS BEEN BAILING HIM OUT SINCE THEY WERE KIDS.]

COLSON: So you doctored the books?

VOGLER: I had to. I had to do something. I told you, we were over extended. The stock price was the only thing keeping us afloat, and you wouldn't listen.

COLSON: No, I don't believe this.

VOGLER: Alec, who... who do you think told the SEC?

SLASHERS: You always hurt the one you love.

BDSMERS: You say that like it's a bad thing.

COLSON: Why? Why now? What difference could it make, Brian, once the truth came out...

VOGLER: Alec, I almost died in that plane too! I still have a family. They tried to kill us.

COLSON: Who?

VOGLER: Did you really think that they were going to let you tell a secret like this?

COLSON: Brian, what are you talking about?

VOGLER: They call themselves the Trust.

[COLSON REALIZES THIS IS THE GROUP SAM TOLD HIM ABOUT.]

VOGLER: Look, all I know is they're very powerful. And, they think that Washington abdicated its duty to protect the planet, maybe even caused the problem in the first place. They see it as their responsibility to step in.

[COLSON SAYS THEY CAN FIX THIS, BUT VOGLER SAYS IT'S TOO LATE. COLSON TELLS HIM THEY'LL BOTH GO TO JAIL, BUT VOGLER SAYS HE DOESN'T CARE BECAUSE HIS FAMILY WILL BE SAFE.]

COLSON: What about the rest of the people that work for this company? What about their families?

VOGLER: Why weren't you thinking about them three days ago?

AUDIENCE: Oooo, buuuuuurrrrrrrrn.

BDSMERS: [flicks Bic on virtual cigarettes]

[SAM QUESTIONS HOW THE TRUST WOULD KNOW THAT VOGLER COOKED THE BOOKS. VOGLER BREAKS DOWN, SAYING THEY GOT TO HIM MONTHS AGO, THAT THEY KNEW WHAT COLSON HAD AND MADE SURE THEY COULD STOP HIM.]

COLSON: There must be something we can do.

SAM: You signed false financial statements.

COLSON: I mean about the people who tried to kill us!

AUDIENCE: Yeah, let's get our priorities straight, shall we?

[COLSON WANTS TO TRY TO BRING DOWN THE TRUST, BUT SAM SAYS THEY'VE ALREADY TRIED. COLSON SAYS THEY HAVE TO TRY AGAIN.]

AUDIENCE: [headsmack] Why didn't the SGC think of that? Or maybe the President of the United States?

SNIT: The President's time was used up having him say it's OK for Sam and Jack to have "feelings." He doesn't have time to deal with silly things like national security.

INT. SGC CORRIDOR

[JACK, SAM, DANIEL AND TEAL'C EXIT AN ELEVATOR.]

SAM: So, Colson's convinced Vogler to arrange a meeting with his contact and wear a wire. Hopefully, we'll get enough to connect him to the rogue NID and then flip him for someone bigger. We're coordinating with Agent Barrett.

AUDIENCE: Agent Barrett? More continuity? [faint]

INT. JACK'S OFFICE

[THEY CONTINUE THEIR CONVERSATION.]

SAM: Unfortunately, without further evidence, Brian Vogler's word alone isn't going to be enough to undo all the damage already done to the company.

[VOGLER'S UNDER CLOSE SURVEILLANCE AND HIS FAMILY IS IN PROTECTIVE CUSTODY.]

JACK: Well, I guess the secret is safe... again.

DANIEL: For now.

FANFIC WRITERS: Really! Any time y'all need help with that...

WRITERS: We've got it covered.

AUDIENCE: Wow. We thought our skills of denial were advanced, but wow.

[JACK RECEIVES A PHONE CALL, SAYING THAT BRIAN VOGLER WAS FOUND DEAD IN HIS BATHROOM. IT WAS A SUICIDE; HE HANGED HIMSELF.]

CONSPIRACY THEORISTS: Or did he...?

AUDIENCE: So much for that "close surveillance" eh?

INT. COLSON'S OFFICE

[SAM ENTERS TO FIND COLSON SITTING ON THE SOFA, HOLDING A HANDGUN.]

SAM: I'm so sorry about Brian.

COLSON: I killed him. I might as well have put the gun against his head and pulled the trigger myself.

SAM: You couldn't have known.

COLSON: You saw how scared he was. I know what his family meant to him. He was never going to do anything to put them in any danger.

[COLSON GOES ON TO SAY HIS LIFE'S OVER. EVERYTHING HE'S WORKED FOR IS GONE. SAM SAYS THE COMPANY WILL GO ON, BUT COLSON SAYS HE'LL BE GOING TO JAIL FOR SOMETHING HE DIDN'T DO.]

AUDIENCE: You signed financial documents that you didn't read. Your nose isn't exactly clean in all this. And how many confidentiality and non-disclosure agreements did you violate in this quest for the "truth"?

[SAM OFFERS HIM A SECOND CHANCE, BY HELPING HIM TO DISAPPEAR. COLSON SAYS THERE'S NO PLACE ON EARTH FOR HIM TO HIDE, BUT SAM SAYS SHE'S NOT NECESSARILY TALKING ABOUT EARTH.]

SAM: Believe me, I wouldn't be here without the approval of my superiors. The President wasn't responsible for what happened to you but he's also not sorry that you were publicly discredited. Please, Alec, come with me. You can still make a difference. He who fights and runs away...

[COLSON PUTS DOWN HIS GUN.]

COLSON: Lives to fight another day. And no one will ever know.

AUDIENCE: Please don't tell us this means he shows up again.

SAM: Welcome to my world.

SNIT: Pass.

FADE OUT

CLOSING CREDITS

NEXT WEEK, SACRIFICES, IN WHICH WE'RE PRIVILEGED TO SEE A JAFFA WEDDING CEREMONY, AND LEARN WHETHER OR NOT ISHTA FOUND OUT ABOUT TEAL'C AND KRISTA. WE'LL BE ABLE TO TELL BECAUSE IF SO, TEAL'C WILL BE SINGING SOPRANO FOR A WHILE. HIS LEGS WILL ALSO BE NOTICEABLY LONGER FROM ALL THE ASS KICKING HE RECEIVES


End file.
